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Sunday, May 9, 2010

If IPL is nationalised

22 things that will happen when the IPL is nationalised

1.     The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India

2.     Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate,  Mr Dalit Modi.

3.     The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only  Maharashtrians (preferably Maharshtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohd Kaif.

4.     The Chennai Super Kings team will renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively

5.     Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI  Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc

6.     Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

7. Cheerleaders will be replaced by honourable ministers who will give speeches during breaks in the match

8.     Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women

9.     Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets

10.     Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized

11.  All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.

12.  IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cell-phone will immediately be withdrawn

13.  Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him

14.  Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

15.  These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks

16.  IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7.30 a.m. and subsequently from 3.30 a.m. to 7p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability

17.  Between each  innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for  the hearing impaired.

18.  Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed "Krishi Darshan"

19.  There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays

20.  The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.

21.  Bowlers will have to bowl sarpatti and ghasssarkundi balls to the reserved players.

22.  Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meeet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it
contributed by Mr. Bhaskaran Sivaraman

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