Mother
The young mother set her foot on the path of life.
"Is this the long way?" she asked.
And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard.
And you will be old before you reach the end of it.
But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that
anything could be better than these years.
So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them,
and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and
reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brush
their teeth.
The sun shone on them and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the nights came, and the storms,
and the path was sometimes dark,
and the children shook with fear and cold,
and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms,
and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid,
for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the
children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.
But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience
and we are there."
So the children climbed,
and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms.
And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.
Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope,
but most of all... unconditional love.
And when they reached the top they said,
"Mother, we would not have done it without you."
The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years,
and the mother grew old and she became little and bent.
But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.
And the mother, when she lay down at night,
looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day
than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now
passing these traits on to their children."
And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her,
and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.
One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill,
they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.
And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey.
And now I know the end is better than the beginning,
for my children can walk with dignity and pride,
with their heads held high,
and so can their children after them."
And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother,
even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the
gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but
she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence."
Your Mother is always with you.
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street,
She's the smell of certain foods you remember,
flowers you pick
and perfume that she wore,
She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well,
She's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,
the colors of a rainbow,
She is Christmas morning.
Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every tear drop.
A mother shows every emotion...
happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,
helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...
and all the while, hoping and praying
you will only know the good feelings in life.
She's the place you came from, your first home,
and she's the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love,
your first friend,
even your first enemy,
but nothing on earth
can separate you.
Not time, not space... not even death!
May we never take our mothers for granted.
~Author Unknown~ received from Sushil
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Kalyaani in Carnatic Music
Kalyaani is the 65th Melakarta raga, equivalent to the raganga raga Kalyan 1. In the older Venkatamakhi scheme, it was called Santha Kalyani. In the more modern scheme of Govinda, it is called Mecha Kalyani. It is a sampoorna raga and has a symmetrical arohana and avarohana using the chatusruti rishabham (r2), antara gandharam (g3), prati madhyamam (m2), chatusruti dhaivatam (d2) and kakali nishadam (n3)2. As Prof. Sambamoorthy notes, the raga "can be sung at all times, but the effect is decidedly better when sung in the evening...On account of the presence of tivra svaras in this raga, it is very useful for being sung at the commencement of concerts. The requisite musical atmosphere is soon created."3 (In Tamil, one would say kaLai kattum.)
All the swaras in the raga are raga chhaya swaras (important notes), and each of them can be adorned with gamakas. Alapanas typically start with the panchama or gandhara and commence with phrases like p m g r s r or g m p m g r s r. One also hears alapanas that commence with the upper shadja. According to Subbarama Dikshitar, the rishabha and the gandhara are jiva swaras4. However, judging by most compositions (including varnams) and other improvisational renditions, the nishada is a very prominent note too, and is often used as a nyasa swara. Thus, in practice, uttaranga sancharas dominate alapana/neraval.
Singing the raga, by omitting the shadja and/or panchama, gives Kalyani a special flavor. This can be heard in almost every recording featured. Janta (pair) swara combinations like r r g g m m d d n n and datu swara prayogas (phrases wherein intermediate notes are skipped deliberately) like n g" r" n d n r" n d m and g n d m g r are prominent. For example, the charanam of the varnam vanajakshi in ata talam (recording below) features janta swara patterns. The third chittai swara features datu swara patterns. Phrases like n d m g r and g" r" n d m g r which involve orikkai, a variety of gamaka wherein there is a momentary flick to a higher or lower tone at the end of the principal note (e.g., the former phrase is really (s")n (n)d (p)m (m)g (g)r ), also add a special flavor to the raga. Some characteristic phrases of Kalyani are:
Kalyani is a major raga and is capable of being used in practically any kind of composition5. From the common gitam taught to beginners of Carnatic music - kamalajatala, to complicated kritis, ragam-tanam-pallavis, padams and javalis, Kalyani occupies a special place in modern Carnatic music. In a recent exhaustive compilation, Lakshman Ragde6 estimates at least 700 compositions (including various musical forms) set to the raga Kalyani. This status of Kalyani is proof of the tremendous evolution of Carnatic music during the 18th and 19th centuries. Venkatamakhi in his Caturdandi Prakasika (ca. 1620 CE) dismissed it as "Turuska" (Turkish) and considered it unsuitable for three of four musical forms that he described in his treatise - gita, thaya and prabandha. He did not specify if it was suitable for alapa7. Another scale similarly described as turuska corresponds to the raga Todi. In his doctoral dissertation, Prof. Viswanathan notes that "neither raga seems to have particularly well known in South India before the seventeenth century, which fact seems to support the likelihood of Middle-Eastern origins."8
From the above, it appears that the Kalyani scale has its origins in the North. The contours of the raga Kalyani were shaped by composers like Kshetragna (1600-1680)9, who composed over 20 padas in this raga. Remarkably, these were composed within half a century of Venkatamakhi's description, and these compositions show how borrowed scales can be adapted into an evolving musical system.
Kalyani in Padam:The (musical) format of the padam is suited for sangatis laden with karvais (pauses) and gamakas, rather than faster paced ornamentation such as the brika. The padam, being a forerunner of the kriti, influenced the evolution of the kriti.
Varnam: Varnam, which is yet another musical form that lays the foundation for manodharma sangeetha. Pallavi Gopala Iyer, one of the early composers of varnams and a senior contemporary of the trinity, authored this varnam the late 18th century. As mentioned earlier, Kalyani can be used with great effect as the first piece in a concert. Ariyakudi Ramanuja Iyengar, who was largely responsible for the present concert format, used this to his advantage, and often began his performances with " Vanajaakshi" varnam. Another classic varnam in Kalyani, often taught to beginners, is vanajakshiro, in adi tala. It is said that Pandit Ratanjankar was so impressed with the varnam as a musical form that he composed a few. One such composition is ganesam vande in Yaman, which was inspired by the Kalyani varnam vanajakshiro. This varnam was composed by Ariyakudi's guru, Ramanathapuram (Poochi) Srinivasa Iyengar. A more recent varnam is Tiger Varadachariar's karunai kadalE. The pallavi and muktayi swaras are largely centered on gandhara and shadja varja prayogas.
Krithis: Kalyani as handled in kritis, all too often, one forgets that the primary aim of a kriti is to serve as a blueprint for the raga and as a vehicle for raga delineation. A popular kriti of Thyagaraja is vasudevayani from the opera Prahlada Bhakti Vijayam. Mani Iyer prefaces the kriti with an alapana. The kriti starts at the tara stayi shadja and proceeds downwards. It is instructive to note how the alapana moves from the uttaranga to the poorvanga portions in Madurai Mani Iyer's Aalapna of Kalyani.
It is not for nothing that K. V. Narayanaswamy is called "neraval" Narayanaswamy by the cognoscenti. He sings Dikshitar's bhajare re chitta and the anupallavi is taken up for neraval. Aspiring musicians would do well to note the poise and balance in this exposition.
While Kalyani is capable of leisurely elaborate treatments, as Dikshitar's composition illustrates, it also shines in fast paced songs with rhythmic flourishes - kritis in tisra nadai, talas with unusual eduppus, etc. This is exemplified in Syama Sastry's masterpieces talli ninnunera and birana vara (whose tune also has an alternate set of Sanskrit lyrics - himadri suthe). Tarangambadi Panchanada Iyer followed the same trend in the popular biranabrova ite. Thyagaraja has also exploited this potential of Kalyani through songs like rama nivadu and amma ravamma.
Raagam Taanam Pallavi: Kalyani in ragam, tanam and pallavi (RTP). Traditionally, the alapana of a raga in the RTP section proceeds in three phases. In the first, the artiste presents a quick sketch of the raga. In the second section, the poorvanga is explored and the final section is devoted to the uttaranga and the descent to the madhyama stayi. Kalyani, by virtue of its expanse is a favorite choice for RTP and there are several excellent RTP recordings.
( Excerpts from Kalyani
V. N. Muthukumar and M. V. RamanaV. N. Muthukumar is currently at the Department of Physics, Princeton University.
M. V. Ramana is currently at the Program on Science and Global Security, Princeton University. (http://www.princeton.edu/~globsec/ )
James said...
Anonymous said...
All the swaras in the raga are raga chhaya swaras (important notes), and each of them can be adorned with gamakas. Alapanas typically start with the panchama or gandhara and commence with phrases like p m g r s r or g m p m g r s r. One also hears alapanas that commence with the upper shadja. According to Subbarama Dikshitar, the rishabha and the gandhara are jiva swaras4. However, judging by most compositions (including varnams) and other improvisational renditions, the nishada is a very prominent note too, and is often used as a nyasa swara. Thus, in practice, uttaranga sancharas dominate alapana/neraval.
Singing the raga, by omitting the shadja and/or panchama, gives Kalyani a special flavor. This can be heard in almost every recording featured. Janta (pair) swara combinations like r r g g m m d d n n and datu swara prayogas (phrases wherein intermediate notes are skipped deliberately) like n g" r" n d n r" n d m and g n d m g r are prominent. For example, the charanam of the varnam vanajakshi in ata talam (recording below) features janta swara patterns. The third chittai swara features datu swara patterns. Phrases like n d m g r and g" r" n d m g r which involve orikkai, a variety of gamaka wherein there is a momentary flick to a higher or lower tone at the end of the principal note (e.g., the former phrase is really (s")n (n)d (p)m (m)g (g)r ), also add a special flavor to the raga. Some characteristic phrases of Kalyani are:
r g r n_, d_ n_ d_ g r s n_ d_
n_ r g r s, g m p (m)g- r s
r n_ g r, p m g r s r
Typically, the rishaba is used as a nyasa swara in avarohi sancharas, as seen above. This should be contrasted with the treatement of the gandhara as a nyasa swara. n_ r g r s, g m p (m)g- r s
r n_ g r, p m g r s r
r g, s r g, n r g, g m pm g, g m p (m)g
p m g m p, p m n(d) p, p n d p, g n d p,
g n d m g r g m p, s" n d n p
At times the dhaivata is stressed as in p s" (n) d - p m g, g n d - p. g n d m g r g m p, s" n d n p
p (n)d n, p (n)d (s")n, p (n)d (r")n, n g" r" n.
The approach to the tara stayi shadja is usually through phrases such as p d n s", m p d n s", (s")n d s", g m d n s", n s" g" r" s", s" n r" s, s" n g" r" s". The gandhara is often oscillated to g(r) or (m)g. The common phrase (pm)g - (m)(g)r illustrates the different tonal variations of the gandhara. The same is true of the nishada which assumes different shades depending on its proximity to the dhaivat (e.g., p (d) n, p (n)d n) or to the tara stayi shadja (e.g., (s")n, (r")n). These can be discerned in the recordings featured below.Kalyani is a major raga and is capable of being used in practically any kind of composition5. From the common gitam taught to beginners of Carnatic music - kamalajatala, to complicated kritis, ragam-tanam-pallavis, padams and javalis, Kalyani occupies a special place in modern Carnatic music. In a recent exhaustive compilation, Lakshman Ragde6 estimates at least 700 compositions (including various musical forms) set to the raga Kalyani. This status of Kalyani is proof of the tremendous evolution of Carnatic music during the 18th and 19th centuries. Venkatamakhi in his Caturdandi Prakasika (ca. 1620 CE) dismissed it as "Turuska" (Turkish) and considered it unsuitable for three of four musical forms that he described in his treatise - gita, thaya and prabandha. He did not specify if it was suitable for alapa7. Another scale similarly described as turuska corresponds to the raga Todi. In his doctoral dissertation, Prof. Viswanathan notes that "neither raga seems to have particularly well known in South India before the seventeenth century, which fact seems to support the likelihood of Middle-Eastern origins."8
From the above, it appears that the Kalyani scale has its origins in the North. The contours of the raga Kalyani were shaped by composers like Kshetragna (1600-1680)9, who composed over 20 padas in this raga. Remarkably, these were composed within half a century of Venkatamakhi's description, and these compositions show how borrowed scales can be adapted into an evolving musical system.
Kalyani in Padam:The (musical) format of the padam is suited for sangatis laden with karvais (pauses) and gamakas, rather than faster paced ornamentation such as the brika. The padam, being a forerunner of the kriti, influenced the evolution of the kriti.
Varnam: Varnam, which is yet another musical form that lays the foundation for manodharma sangeetha. Pallavi Gopala Iyer, one of the early composers of varnams and a senior contemporary of the trinity, authored this varnam the late 18th century. As mentioned earlier, Kalyani can be used with great effect as the first piece in a concert. Ariyakudi Ramanuja Iyengar, who was largely responsible for the present concert format, used this to his advantage, and often began his performances with " Vanajaakshi" varnam. Another classic varnam in Kalyani, often taught to beginners, is vanajakshiro, in adi tala. It is said that Pandit Ratanjankar was so impressed with the varnam as a musical form that he composed a few. One such composition is ganesam vande in Yaman, which was inspired by the Kalyani varnam vanajakshiro. This varnam was composed by Ariyakudi's guru, Ramanathapuram (Poochi) Srinivasa Iyengar. A more recent varnam is Tiger Varadachariar's karunai kadalE. The pallavi and muktayi swaras are largely centered on gandhara and shadja varja prayogas.
Krithis: Kalyani as handled in kritis, all too often, one forgets that the primary aim of a kriti is to serve as a blueprint for the raga and as a vehicle for raga delineation. A popular kriti of Thyagaraja is vasudevayani from the opera Prahlada Bhakti Vijayam. Mani Iyer prefaces the kriti with an alapana. The kriti starts at the tara stayi shadja and proceeds downwards. It is instructive to note how the alapana moves from the uttaranga to the poorvanga portions in Madurai Mani Iyer's Aalapna of Kalyani.
It is not for nothing that K. V. Narayanaswamy is called "neraval" Narayanaswamy by the cognoscenti. He sings Dikshitar's bhajare re chitta and the anupallavi is taken up for neraval. Aspiring musicians would do well to note the poise and balance in this exposition.
While Kalyani is capable of leisurely elaborate treatments, as Dikshitar's composition illustrates, it also shines in fast paced songs with rhythmic flourishes - kritis in tisra nadai, talas with unusual eduppus, etc. This is exemplified in Syama Sastry's masterpieces talli ninnunera and birana vara (whose tune also has an alternate set of Sanskrit lyrics - himadri suthe). Tarangambadi Panchanada Iyer followed the same trend in the popular biranabrova ite. Thyagaraja has also exploited this potential of Kalyani through songs like rama nivadu and amma ravamma.
Raagam Taanam Pallavi: Kalyani in ragam, tanam and pallavi (RTP). Traditionally, the alapana of a raga in the RTP section proceeds in three phases. In the first, the artiste presents a quick sketch of the raga. In the second section, the poorvanga is explored and the final section is devoted to the uttaranga and the descent to the madhyama stayi. Kalyani, by virtue of its expanse is a favorite choice for RTP and there are several excellent RTP recordings.
( Excerpts from Kalyani
V. N. Muthukumar and M. V. RamanaV. N. Muthukumar is currently at the Department of Physics, Princeton University.
M. V. Ramana is currently at the Program on Science and Global Security, Princeton University. (http://www.princeton.edu/~globsec/ )
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zuzyl2qgdnnAalapna - G. N. Balasubramanian
- http://www.mediafire.com/?wt0vwvnghydAalapana - Madurai Mani Iyer
- http://www.mediafire.com/?gz9qvmewagjAalapaqna (RTP) M. L. Vasanthakumari
- http://www.mediafire.com/?hu9mtwf0mztNaadhaswaram - Karukurichi Arunachalam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?kinltjfdwzcAmmaa raavamma - S. G. Kittappa
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ymvgjttazmcAmmaa raavamma - Ramnad Krishnan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?0zpm414d2ckAmma a raavamma - P. Unnikrishnan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ydajutaegcwAnnai Jaanaki - Nithyashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?2udmpzywu2xBhajanai seyya - M. D. Ramanathan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?x9ft7tjldwmVarnam - Vanajakshi - Ariyakkudi
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ycgmgbdynzmVarnam - Vanajakshi - K. V. Narayanaswamy
- http://www.mediafire.com/?jmgc0jygfwnGddari ( Padam) - Charumathi
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ehbbjqlzzwlKarunaikadale - Vidya Shankar
- http://www.mediafire.com/?fmmizdxuezgVaasudevayaani - Madurai Mani
- http://www.mediafire.com/?mtnuzgypdx3Aalapana - RTP - T. M. Thiyagarajan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?yi6b7u93zumVelai arindhe - Thuraiyur Rajagopala Sarma
- http://www.mediafire.com/?gtmx7twskizBiraana vara - D. K Pattammal & D. K. Jayaraman
- http://www.mediafire.com/?0mtu2unmbobTanam - G. N. B
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zshj2nyaezdBirana Varalichi - Maharajapuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?z0xg7udtkyzYethaavunaaraa - Ranjani Gaayathri
- http://www.mediafire.com/?gsreft3av466laj Ganapathey - Maharajapuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?y39gqttxtxkKallusakkare - Maharajpuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?wmg2dw4dddxKamalaambaa - T. N. Seshagopalan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?xmk1ny01mwjRTP - Aruna Sairam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zzgjgky5mt5 RTP - P. Unnikrishnan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?mippjn2bxm9 Sakhi he - Balamuralikrishna
- http://www.mediafire.com/?o510t5gdypsUjjayini - P. Unnikrishnan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?dzhyngiddyjVanajakshi - K. J. Yesudoss
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ba0m5pyxx2zVarnam - Vanjakshi - Maharajpuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?k9dodemorlgVarnam - Vanajakshi - Ranjani Gaayathri
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zufa9dltj1iVarnam - Vanajakshi - M. S. Subbalakshmi
- http://www.mediafire.com/?kh0ii1t2xn2Nidhi chaala - K. J. Yesudoss
- http://www.mediafire.com/?39hvn4d1genSarasalochana - Balamuralikrishna
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zrdyjz42kd1Sundari nee - Balamuralikrishna
- http://www.mediafire.com/?spwd9jmrdsgVaasudevayaani - Maharajpuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?f0pzvvwtiwvBiraana brova - M. S. Subbalakshmi
- http://www.mediafire.com/?kmskahatqk417tj Ganapathe - Nithyashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?tsw2tggt1ziVaasudevayaani - Sudha Raghunathan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?g1gtymu4zvnKelalo Hari - Sudha raghunathan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?jz2wzy0ket1RTP - Ranjani Gaayathri
- http://www.mediafire.com/?2dva5m1t3dzSakalamum tharubaval - K. J. Yesudoss
- http://www.mediafire.com/?90hzyhygeudThalli ninnu - Nithyashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?pvuy9g4oyz2Vaasudevayaani - M. L. Vasanthakumari
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zu9zbomgmzmGanapathe - Sikkil Gurucharan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ztgzpdxvm11Kannane En - Sudha Raghunathan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?dwm1thy2nniPankaja lochana - T. N. seshagopalan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?am45slpt5zzRaama nee vaadu - T. M. Krishna
- http://www.mediafire.com/?prwmjggpydxUjjayini - Sudha Raghunathan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?lzpflvubyclDhayamaddu Ranga - M. L. Vasanthakumari
- http://www.mediafire.com/?cdmtwxsmultEthaavunaara - R. Ganesh
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ljvc90jdginEvaru maataku - G. N. B
- http://www.mediafire.com/?g2yto1m20jdHimaadhri sudhe - Bombay Jayashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?jyrtbnmfpznKanindharul - T. M. Krishna
- http://www.mediafire.com/?myt1mahxlf1Viruththam - Pallaandu - Bombay Jayashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zl0omunt1nhYethavunaara - S. Janaki
- http://www.mediafire.com/?t01c511inhkYethaavunaaraa - K. J. Yesudoss
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zdgflfcnyz2Devi Sri meenalochani - Maharajapuram santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?nmzkzuto1gpNannu brovamani - Radha Jayalakshmi
- http://www.mediafire.com/?mebtbpjiwytNinnu naa valachi - Rajkumar Bharathi
- http://www.mediafire.com/?xlc1nsqrwigUnnai allaal - Sowmya
- http://www.mediafire.com/?wmpukyijlg6Kundrudhoraadum - Nithyashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?extjtrtdgbtNidhi chaala - Nithyashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?egmdgagyjnnRTP - Udupi sri - K. J. Yesudoss
- http://www.mediafire.com/?cj0dlirx2lvInge irungaanum - Nithyashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?5ifvn2nxxjtNijadhaasavaradha - M. L. Vasanthakumari
- http://www.mediafire.com/?xsmwt2tdy3iEnate kuluke - Sikkil Gurucharan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?hcwzzmgbmnnEndhukoni manasu - Maharajapuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?ylj4lzz0xoeVarnam - Vanajakshi - Sowmya
- http://www.mediafire.com/?kzm5vdudmpfMaadhava hrudi - Aruna Sairam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?n3wewtstm1dUnnai allaal - Aruna Sairam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zlmmljmty4tKannane en - P. Unnikrishnan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?oyc4sevkt0lKannane en - Bombay Jayashree
- http://www.mediafire.com/?j9dsw9on1wzSenthamizh naadennum - Sudha Raghunathan
- http://www.mediafire.com/?d1jsxeibum2Unnai allaal - Maharajapuram Santhanam
- http://www.mediafire.com/?zcgyted2gi5RTP - 1 - M. L. Vasanthakumari
- http://www.mediafire.com/?kogltjmzamk RTP - 2 _ Kalyaani - M. L. Vasanthakumari
- http://www.mediafire.com/?adx46skz79t Vaasudevayani - Aruna Sairam
James said...Thanks for all the Carnatic music!
Anonymous said...Love kalyani brilliant.
Thodi would also be great.
Sir, I have a request, just like you have made these sets of ragams would it be possible to make a collection of rare varnams?
also a correction i sudha ragunathans concert you have labelled her varnam as sriranjani, it is infact ranjani varnam composition of gnb -aboruhapadame.
Thanks.
Thodi would also be great.
Sir, I have a request, just like you have made these sets of ragams would it be possible to make a collection of rare varnams?
also a correction i sudha ragunathans concert you have labelled her varnam as sriranjani, it is infact ranjani varnam composition of gnb -aboruhapadame.
Thanks.
Monday, February 18, 2008
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Operator: That's not a good idea Sir
Customer: How come?
Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir
Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?
Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You’ll like it
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator: You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir
Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is 749.99
Customer: Can I pay by credit card?
Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and your owing your bank 73720.55 since October last year
Operator: That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.
Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives
Operator: You cant Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today
Customer: Never minds just send the pizzas, Ill have the cash ready. How long is it going take anyway?
Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you cant wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...
Customer: What!
Operator: According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,...registration number E1123...
Customer: *!^ *%^**%^I7*
Operator: Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator: Is there anything else Sir?
Customer: Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator: We normally would Sir, but based on your records your also diabetic.......
The Customer faints...
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