The Brilliance of a Senior Citizen !
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with whichI endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,
has been in place for only thirty eight years.You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
£30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to yourbank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you mustnominate.Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal
Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bankknows about me,
there is no alternative.Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows :
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. (The password will be communicated to you at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client !
(Remember : This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
